


The Colors of Heartbreak

by MarsHunter06



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: ... and one animal..., F/M, Lots of minor character death mentioned, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27888913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsHunter06/pseuds/MarsHunter06
Summary: Natasha’s suffered heartbreak through her entire life, her once colorful world turns grey and somber. She decides it’s easier to live a mundane life without vibrant hues to distract her, she’s not sure she can handle another loss. Still, her heart can’t help but let Steve in, and ever so slowly he brings shades of pigment back into her vision.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	The Colors of Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a tumblr post I reblogged long ago, where the goal was to write a fic based on the title. Here’s my attempt. Also last warning, people and an animal die in this fic, I don’t necessarily go super into detail, but it definitely happens...

Dark clouds, foggy weather, grey skies a typical day for a spy without a heart. It’s odd to say she doesn’t see colors anymore when her eyes are working fine, she’s still a sharp shooter never missing a single target. Yes she can see the bright neon lights above the seedy building with crowds of people stumbling through to enjoy the nightlife, but her inner world remains pigmentless and gloomy. Brilliant shades and lively patterns no longer bring her joy, everything is meaningless, it’s much easier to cope hiding in shadows without the rest of humanity questioning her sanity. Everyone she’s ever let into her heart only reaffirms her thinking, why fall for pretty flowers that would die one day when staying under the covers alone would keep her emotions in check. Living in shades of grey is the easier option, no other tones would stain her hands as long as she stayed in the grey. 

_Yellow sunflowers all around her in a field as she smiles happily running around without any fear holding her back. Back when she was a child without the red room taking her away to do their bidding, or maybe this is another false memory. Still the sight of Yelena in her yellow sundress spinning around giggling makes her heart warm. Maybe this wasn’t real, but she could pretend it was. Until the shades of yellow become too bright to bear, the sunlight too harsh, she blinks and the field of flowers are wilted and dead. The stench and sight of the yellowing corpses remind her of the mission at hand. Still her heart aches for a beat, this couldn’t be a good sign, where is her sister? The sound of a loud scream followed by a string of Russian curses gives her the answer. No, this couldn’t be happening, she catches a glimpse of her blonde hair as she lies still on the ground. She searched for a pulse, but she knew it was too late. The least she could do was bury her, but the sudden arrival of more enemies bringing mustard gas to surround her forced her to hide away. She didn’t even get to say goodbye as her vision goes dark._

The first thing she noticed about Steve was his rehearsed smile, he had a firm grip when they shook hands to introduce themselves, but he shied away from further contact while the rest of team had no regard for personal space. He was the captain, therefore the leader of the team, and while he carried the mantle well, he didn’t like all the attention it brought him. Still he was polite and would smile though it didn’t quite reach his eyes when he was stopped for an interview or one of their teammates would try and help him reintegrate into modern times. He was a loner too, except he couldn’t retreat to the background when the whole world looked to him for guidance. The few times their eyes would meet, she would take pity and find some excuse for him to walk away from the spotlight, his grateful smile and relaxed stance was enough to calm her though she didn’t know why she felt tense in the first place.

“Thanks again, for rescuing me from more of Tony’s questions.”

“I did this for my benefit, who’s going to help me carry all these groceries back to the tower?”

“You’ve never struggled with them before. I’m sure you’re more than capable of bringing in the bag of rice yourself.”

“Maybe, but I was feeling lazy today.”

He was absolutely right in thinking she didn’t need him, but she knew he needed an escape route and she was the perfect person to give him an excuse to leave. No one would dare argue with the Black Widow especially when it involved getting food and other necessities for the rest of the team. As they were checking out, the lady at the register decided to give them one of those happy face stickers normally given to children to make them smile. Ever the gentleman, Steve accepts and thanks her with a smile of his own, though this one didn’t seem as forced as his previous ones. Once outside the building as they start to load up the trunk of their car, he peels off the sticker to place it on the sleeve of Natasha’s sweater. She halts her movements to arch an eyebrow at him, wondering what possessed him to do such a thing. She looked up and behind him the golden rays of sunlight made him look heavenly and his blonde hair almost seemed to be glowing, but it was his smile that made her falter. It was the first genuine smile she’s ever seen on his face and it was all because of a yellow smiley face sticker.

“I thought it would look better on you, and I was right.”

She blames it on the weather warming up despite it being autumn, or maybe the shining yellow sun behind his head, or the rush of the yellowing leaves blowing through the parking lot as a honking yellow cab tries to speed through to the next destination; either way, she didn’t quite know what to say in reply to his statement. It certainly wasn’t because his smile stirred something in her heart as she began to see that tints of yellow isn’t just loss and death.

_Orange rust on his shitty 1965 Volkswagen bug is all she remembers about the man she married before he met his end. She loved him once upon a time, but she cannot recall the real reason they were joined together despite it being against the wishes of the red room. Perhaps she was foolish and believed that love could cure the horrors of her past, she was a fool for believing it would be enough to save him from his doom. A raging fire with orange flames consumed his entire being along with his rusty car he took pride in traveling in. He never stood a chance against the glow of orange that surrounded him in mere seconds. The grey smoke and haze is all she sees when she goes to meet him at their rendezvous point._

They were wrapping up a mission, just the two of them as they learned how to coexist and have each other’s back. Training to be partners while the rest of the Avengers dealt with their own problems. They worked well together, Natasha finds herself welcoming his company when they would somehow wind up alone in the tower or on the battlefield. It became second nature for him to seek her out, their unspoken connection with only a nod or a slight raise of their voice was enough for the other to understand what they needed. Now as they wait at the edge of the cliff where she was nearly thrown off, the sun begins to set and a smile appears on his lips. They’re no longer as rare as they had been in the past, they actually reach his eyes now when she sees him relax and unguarded. He reaches his hand out, she holds her breath thinking he was going to touch her, but he stops his motions with a finger lifted. She doesn’t know how she missed it, but he brings the orange monarch butterfly in front of her to see, that combined with the soft orange hues of the setting sun was enough to make her smile. He gestures for her hand then slowly transfers the orange winged creature onto the tip of her finger as soft waves of orange filter through behind them.

“I thought it might like you, it seems happier to be on your hand than mine.”

She was meant to be paying attention to the butterfly, but his smile with his back against the horizon was all she could focus on. Her heart skips a beat, she blames it on the orange sky, it had been a while since she was able to enjoy a sunset.

_Green pond full of algae and other toxic wastes, fumes so pungent she nearly puked from the stench. She tried, she really did, she ran as fast as she could to chase the little kitten she refused to name instead calling it a stray that would freeload off her. She would call him names, but she really did love the little guy especially when he would look up at her with those green eyes. She’s not sure how he managed to stow away undetected in the quinjet, Clint didn’t even see him, but the moment their mission was over she spotted the little fur ball dashing out towards the radioactive factory. He jumped right into the slimy green goo slipping into the pond from the velocity of his speed. There wasn’t anything she could do as she heard his last meow for help before he drowned in the water. The grey clouds appear and then rain begins to pour._

She was in need of coffee, and even though she bought some during her last trip to the grocery store, there was no coffee to be found in the tower. Her patience was wearing thin already from being woken up at the crack of dawn for a robbery that the police could have easily handled themselves, but a hero’s job was never done. She’s resorted to glaring at the coffee machine before deciding to suck it up and go outside to grab a cup of joe. She made it halfway across the park to the nearest Starbucks when she spotted Steve coming back from his morning run, except his hands were full. He smiles when he sees her, but that wasn’t what she had her eyes set on, it was the green logo of the Starbucks cup on his hand. He gives one of the cups to her, and bless his soul, he remembered her order. The rustling of the green leaves on the trees brings her back to the present as she was momentarily lost in the bliss of caffeine. His amused smile as they stand together on the lush green grass makes her swoon.

“I saw that our coffee supply was low, so I figured you would want this before we go get some more.”

“I’ve never been more happy to see you first thing in the morning.”

He laughs at that and she feels the warmth spread through her body though she knows it isn’t just because of the coffee. It was spring again with green lively scenery all around them, children tossing green tennis balls and neon green frisbees with their friends. Her green eyes sparkle as she looks over at her partner, she blames it on the coffee he was kind enough to get for her.

_Blue skin frozen from the harsh Russian winters is how she finds them. She can’t quite remember how old she was when she became an orphan, but she’ll never forget the frozen blue icicles on her parents’ face. They were left outside to freeze after being bound and tossed into the deep blue lake only to be pulled up and forced to succumb to the chilling cold. Her mother’s damp royal blue coat did nothing to keep them warm. Their grey dull eyes were still open staring into her soul._

It was the middle of the night when she walked to the living room after failing to fall asleep. She expected to be alone, but she finds Steve still standing by the windows looking outside at the dark night sky. She hesitates, wondering if she should leave him alone, but his voice calls out to her. She slowly pads over to stand next to him. They stay silent for a while, but she can see that her presence was enough to quiet some of the thoughts running rapid in his mind. He turns over to look at her and for the first time she looks into his bright blue eyes. She can’t believe she’s never noticed its brilliant shade before, she understands why people say they can drown in a person’s stare. Her breath catches when he leans down, blue irises still locked on her, he catches her off guard with his question.

“Do you believe in wishes on a shooting star?”

“Huh? Where’s this coming from Rogers?”

“Just thinking of some things my mom used to tell me. She always said not to tell anyone what you wished for or else it wouldn’t come true.”

“She’s right, some things should be kept a secret.”

He smiles at that, she mirrors his expression, it’s nice to see him content again. His blue eyes sparkle now that he didn’t seem to be carrying whatever burden that was previously in his thoughts. He tilts his head to look out the window again, she couldn’t contain her gasp as she sees the meteor shower that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. The dark blue sky didn’t seem so lonely now with the bright streaks dancing across the horizon. She looked over to see that his eyes were closed, but when they opened, they were looking into hers. Her heart begins to thump, she blames it on his intense stare and his hand accidentally brushing against hers.

_Purple uniform torn and thrown next to his arrows was the first sign of him that she saw as soon as she heard his distress call. He was still breathing when she reached him, but the purple bruises on his body looked painful, he could barely keep himself awake. She managed to help him back onto the helicopter as she held his hand praying he would pull through. Her battered heart had already lost too much, she doesn’t know what she would do if she lost him too. The anxiety doesn’t go away even when he’s rushed into surgery as the nurses in purple scrubs move past her. She waits in the hallway until he’s finally out and recovering in the hospital room. The grey machines keeping him alive beep as she sits with clenched fists vowing to make them pay for what they did to him._

Another mission gone wrong sends Clint into the medic wing to get check out. His injuries weren’t fatal, just some bumps and scratches, but they were enough to set her into a panic. She promised to never love another again even just platonically, still he was an avenger, she thought he would be different. If anyone could, her best friend would be able to survive the terrible fate all those she loved suffered through, but he’s still only human.

A knock on her door brings her out of her thoughts, she expects it to be Clint telling her he was alright, but it was Steve. He was worried after seeing her shut down when Clint took a bad hit and fell off a building though luckily Thor was there to catch him before he hit the ground.

“He’s still getting checked out, but nothing’s broken. You can go see him if you like.”

“Thanks.”

She wasn’t trying to be short with him, but this brought back bad memories. She was reminded again why it’s easier to stay in a world with only shades of grey, letting someone into her heart would only ensure heartbreak. She wasn’t strong enough to go through another loss. The touch of his hand holding hers snaps her out of her musings. She was confused as he pulled her towards the elevator heading toward the medical center. His easy smile reassured her, but she still wasn’t ready to rid herself of the grey clouds inside her mind. When the doors opened and she was met with the smirk of her best friend who showed no signs of trauma from the battle. She didn’t even notice she was still holding Steve’s hand until he pulled away from her to retrieve a purple balloon for her to give to Clint. She laughs at the image of him demanding she release the purple balloon since it was his color. On the table next to him was a purple orchid still in bloom despite being notorious for being hard to keep alive. Steve noticed her gaze and while the rest of the avengers filed in to check on Clint told her it would be alright.

“Clint’s not an orchid, he’s not that delicate. It takes more than a blow to keep him down.”

“No, but another blow to his head and I’ll have to worry about his IQ.”

He laughs at her joke, she couldn’t help but laugh with him. She feels the rush of warmth overtake her body and her heart thumping rapidly once more. She doesn’t have anything to blame it on when her eyes were only focused on her captain. A flash of purple catches her eye, Clint’s gloved hands as he signs a secret message to her. She ignores him in lieu of taking another purple balloon to give to Steve, this one has a smiley face on it.

_Pink hair and flushed cheeks would live on in her memories as the little girl who got too close to the poison of a widow’s bite. She was only a child, her only true childhood friend before she lost her parents and became trapped in the red room. They met while dancing ballet together in their pink tutus, they would giggle and practice their dances even sharing bright pink bubble gum as rewards for their hard days in lessons. If only Natasha never befriended her, then maybe she would have made it twirling around with her soft pink hair trailing behind her. The red room tried to take her too, but she was too pure and fragile for their training, her rosy pink cheeks faded to grey as she slowly starved to death for failing the Black Widow program._

Natasha was speaking at an event hosted by the Girl Scouts while Steve was at one for the Boy Scouts. She beamed as a bunch of young aspiring girls hailed her as their hero while telling her their own stories of how they helped their communities. It was a bit daunting to be surrounded by so many impressionable children, she was afraid that she would mess up and ruin their hopes and dreams. She wasn’t one to come up with inspirational speeches at a moment’s notice, but with Steve’s reassurance as he asked for help with his own speech, she felt confident in her abilities as she took the podium. She could almost see him among the crowds as she gives a hint of her dark past to the girls in front of her and lets them know that their past does not define them. It was what they did now in the present that mattered. There were loud applauses from the room and a broad super soldier who did nothing to hide his excitement as he pulled her into a hug after the presentation.

“Steve, what are you doing here?”

“Turns out I got the dates mixed up, my event’s tomorrow, so I thought I would come and support you.”

Her heart skipped a beat hearing his words, she sees the light pink dust his cheeks as a blush forms. She’s certain she’s never seen him this nervous before. Taking his hand, she pulls him over to the refreshment table full of pink donuts with sprinkles and pink lemonade for everyone to enjoy. The sight of the color used to bring her great pain, but seeing it now proudly in some of the patches the children wore brought a smile to her face. Dare she say seeing the tint of pink on Steve’s face made her happy too? She wills her heart to stop its pounding, surely he could hear how her heart beats for him. She can’t even blame it on the sugar when she hasn’t even taken a bite of the pink frosted treats. He smiles at her and she’s sure she’s matching his blush on her face too.

_Red blood trickled down her face, she was exhausted but she’s never felt more alive than this moment. It was finally over, the red room no longer exists, there would be no more innocent girls taken to be trained assassins. She silently mourns the loss of her first family after the death of her parents. She can still see their blood shot eyes and red stains on their clothes with bullets being fired around them. The roar of the red fires burning everything to the ground, her vision was red until it simmered down to grey shades once again. The color of passion, and most importantly anger, finally she could rest._

She lets go of the past allowing splashes of bright, soft, and dull tints of lights back into her life. She finds herself questioning her sanity as she dares to love again. She thinks of love as fiery red, full of emotion, only to sizzle out in the end. This must have been why she failed all those times before when she let love dictate her life. Familial, platonic, romantic, it didn’t matter; as long as she was involved her love would never be enough to save them. She couldn’t allow this to happen again. Not to the man who brought her out of the dark shadows, he deserves better.

His bright blue eyes gleam as he reaches over to move a strand of her red hair out of her face. He stares into her green eyes then onto her red lips. He’s seen the pink blush upon her face too many times to count to know he wasn’t the only one falling like orange leaves as autumn approaches again. They’re laying down in the park on the purple blanket over the green grass as they wait for the yellow sun to set, so that they can stargaze with ease. She tried to stay distant, afraid the blinding red energy within her heart would lead them astray, but his special smile reserved just for her would pull her back everytime she ran away.

“Do you remember when you asked me about wishes on a shooting star?”

“Yeah and you said you believed in them too.”

“I made a wish that night during the meteor shower.”

“You sure you want to tell me your secret? It may not come true.”

“It’s already come true, I’m just afraid of the fallout.”

As the sky changes from blue to purple pink, then red orange, before the yellow sun disappears leaving them in the dark night sky with only stars to light their way home, she tells him about all of her heartbreaks. The reason why she preferred to remain alone and away from others even though she yearned for more. She confesses her fears that she would never be able to go back to her grey world after he brought color back into her life again. She doesn’t look at him once during their conversation, but she feels his reassuring touch as his hand never leaves hers. She allows herself to hope, maybe this time her love would be enough, she finally turns to look at him. Her breath catches, her heart speeds up, palms sweating as she awaits his response. She swears she sees a golden light surrounding his entire being as he admits she too brought meaning back into his life.

It was her turn to listen as he told her about the shades of grey in his world before the ice then having to adjust to present day. He remembers seeing the same gold tint around her when they were first introduced, it made him shy away from her as he wasn’t used to seeing such a brilliant color. Orange skies as the sun sets with her in his focal point became his new favorite scenery as he struggled to paint the scene onto his canvas. He wanted to capture her gorgeous green eyes on paper or even in a picture, but they were too vibrant to portray even for an artist of his caliber. His blues eyes would shine brighter whenever she would appear in his sight, calming him with her mere presence. Her purple gown the night of their first undercover mission nearly cost them crucial information as he was too distracted by her beauty. The pink dust on her cheeks finally gave him the sign he needed to know she felt the same. Now her red hair gently swaying in the wind as he leans over again to brush it out of her face, he commits it all to memory paying extra attention to her parted red lips before he claims them as his own.

The color of heartbreak isn’t a single color, it’s the loss of color. Changing lively pigments into dull grey surroundings. On the other side of the spectrum, the color of love isn’t just simply a loud shade of red, it’s seeing every color through a new lense and being convinced it shines brighter than before. A golden love glowing for all to see, everlasting and destined to meet.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s been so long since I’ve posted something here, I miss my golden otp. Shout out to those of you who read it till the end despite my warnings!


End file.
